How to make apparently impossible decisions has troubled me enormously in the last few years as I have wrestled with some really tough choices relating to family, career and location.
These kinds of decision are complex and stressful, with multiple factors for and against the various options. And, to be honest, I have often found it practically impossible to decide.
One of the problems with these kinds of difficult decisions is that we think we need to engage our powers of reason to find the answer.
We are instinctively drawn into thinking that complex decisions demand that we apply the highest levels of our intellect. We assume there is a right answer and we that just need to find it.
Research does indeed show that applying a reasoning process is the best way to make relatively simple decisions.
Thus, when we’re faced with a choice between three or four different non-complex items (such as kitchen utensils), we can consider common characteristics such as size, colour or price and make comparisons between the items that help us to make our choice.
The problem is that when decisions become more complex, there are many more different factors to consider, each with varying levels of importance for us. It is therefore very hard for us to make good decisions by weighing the relative merits of the different factors and reaching a final choice that we can feel comfortable with.
So what do we do when we need to make a decision that involves difficult choices?
One answer is that we look beyond our powers of reasoning and engage our emotions.
In fact, for Harvard University’s Jennifer Lerner, a leading decision researcher, emotions are always at the centre of the decision making process. She says that decisions are the means by which our emotions guide us to avoid negative feelings and maximise positive feelings.
And, if you think about it, you will no doubt have experienced times when you’ve made tough decisions based upon an emotional response or a gut instinct. And I’ll bet that in most cases those decisions turned out no worse than decisions you made following a detailed rational analysis.
Sometimes just trusting your gut is all you need to do.
But if you want to at least feel that you have some control over the process, you can provide some guidance for your emotions by having in mind your goals and values when you are trying to make hard decisions.
Given the role that emotions play in complex decision making, using goals and values for guidance seems to be appropriate considering that they each undoubtedly have an emotional component.
Goals are essentially internal representations of what we want to achieve in life and values are representations of how we want to live.
Both of those ideas centre on how we want to feel. Thus, achieving certain desired outcomes can lead to feelings of satisfaction and relief rather than frustration or disappointment. Similarly, behaving in a way that is aligned with our values allows us to feel balanced and comfortable rather than anxious and fretful.
Let me give you an example of how this can work.
A coaching client of mine was struggling to decide whether to take up a job offer that would have meant moving to new city. There was little doubt in his mind that the job he has been offered would have been better than his current one. It was also likely to offer more long-term security, which in his particular situation was an important factor.
The situation was not straightforward, however, because he had children at various stages of their school careers, a spouse with s ties and commitments of her own, and other family members in his current location who would not have wanted him to leave.
So as you can see, the decision was finally balanced, complicated and difficult to make.
It was hard for him to rationally analyse the various factors because all of the competing interests were highly important to him*.
So, to help him to resolve the dilemma, we discussed how the choice he might make would fit in with his medium to long term goals. In other words, to what extent would staying or going serve the longer term aims and objectives that he had for his career and his family.
For example, one of his long term goals is to ensure that his children have the best education possible. He therefore needed to consider whether the schools in the new location might be better for his children in the long run, even though there may have been considerable upheaval in moving them from the schools they were in. Might the new location even have offered better further education and employment opportunities for the children when they grow up?
Similarly, we discussed how he could relate the decision to his values. This involved considering the relative importance to him of things like stability and educational opportunity, career development and loyalty to birth family.
This approach obviously has an element of reasoning within it, but the link to goals and values helps to keep the focus on the factors with the most emotional significance, as well as averting the tendency to give preference to short term expediencies.
In a way, this reflects the model of hard choices put forward by philosopher Ruth Chang (see her Ted talk, below).
She suggests that we cannot recruit reason to help us make impossible decisions because, by their very nature, these decisions are finely balanced and not susceptible to any kind of rationally decisive analysis. I can’t weigh, count or measure why I should choose to live in London, Sydney or Edinburgh, for example.
But, according to Chang, what we can do is make the hard choice and then provide ourself with the reasons why that choice is right for us. Typically, I suspect, those reasons will be based on our emotions, values and goals.
Another lens on making hard choices comes from complexity theory.
Taking this approach, it is useful to categorise hard decisions as to whether they are complex or simply complicated.
In a complicated situation, solutions are not easy to find but, with the application of some research and/or expertise, we can usually determine likely chains of cause and effect. As a result, we can foresee with reasonable certainty that if we follow a particular course of action, events will turn out in a predictable way.
An example of a complicated decision might be a choice between various established exercise routines. Research can probably tell you what your results are likely to be, over time, if you follow one or other prescribed formula.
In a complex situation, by contrast, like the example of my client’s dilemma about taking a job in a different city, cause and effect cannot be ascertained, except in hindsight. There are multiple variables operating and outcomes are inherently uncertain.
Complexity theory holds that in such circumstances, we need to be creative, ask different questions, think differently and try ‘safe to fail’ experiments to generate learning and new ideas about how to proceed. In complexity, solutions have to be teased out through probing and experimentation and by adjusting your approach based on the feedback you receive.
So, by taking this approach to a complex decision, you can move yourself along the decision making continuum, learning as much as you can, before you make the final commitment.
None of this necessarily makes a hard decision easy, but it does enable us to place some frameworks (even a kind of rationality) around our emotional decision-making. In that sense, perhaps we gain the best of both worlds.
Perhaps most importantly, if we are able to make difficult decisions by aligning our choices with our core values and goals, and try some experimentation to test the possibilities first, then we are much more likely to feel comfortable with the decision – whichever way goes.
These then are the key take aways:
* In order to illustrate the point, I’ve simplified this somewhat by referring to the decision as if it my client’s alone. In reality, the decision will be taken jointly with his family. I’ve also changed some facts to preserve anonymity.
Dijksterhuis, A., Bos, M. W., Nordgren, L. F., & Van Baaren, R. B. (2006). On making the right choice: The deliberation-without-attention effect. Science, 311(5763), 1005-1007.
Lerner, J. S., Li, Y., Valdesolo, P., & Kassam, K. S. (2015). Emotion and decision making. Psychology, 66.
I'm Martin Cole. I am a UK qualified lawyer, a leader within the financial services regulatory and compliance sector and an organisational and executive coach. I have an Master of Science (M.Sc). in coaching psychology and am certified as a coach by the Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership. I also have a Bachelor of Laws (LLB (Hons.)) and was admitted as a barrister by the Inner Temple (now non-practising). I have lived and worked in London and Sydney and now live near Edinburgh in Scotland with my wife and two daughters. I support Crystal Palace FC, have wide ranging musical tastes (especially Jazz, Blues and Soul) and oppose mediocrity, selfishness and organisations that fail to value their people.